WHAT ARE WORDS
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I know that I had to leave now. I had to go but somehow my legs just wouldn't move. I looked at him, I could feel my tears welling up. My intuition told me that I should walk away that very moment and I did not and that was when my whole world started to crashed itself on me. . .
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Now where do I begin ? From the moment I received the text or from the moment that I felt like my heart just got slashed, ripped and torn apart ? I don't know where to begin. Shall I cry because of what happened or smile and move on ? For I am here dazed and confused for I don't know what's the best thing to do.
As I walked towards him, I could feel my heart pounding so hard against my chest that I literally could feel that it is gonna jumped out from my body and roll on the floor. A part of me wanted to run towards class while a part of me just wanna hear what he had to say. But as a lady, I was told to keep my head up high and keep my pace upright. So, I smiled when I saw him.
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Rumors. Funny how people always believed them without even bothering to find out the truth. Funny how people always hear only one side of a story for a person whom they trust more. Then there was me, gasping for air as I tried to digest everything that he said. I was heartbroken and at the same time angry and disappointed. My head was spinning with all the words circling around my head. I don't know which emotion shall I portray out at that very moment. All I want to do is to hit him so hard for being such a jerk to actually doubt that I would actually do and say such things but the truth is, all I wanted to do most at the moment is to cry.
I never thought that I am actually such a person to you. I never thought that you will actually believed or doubt that I would do such things. Yes, you said you just wanted to clarify this issue and listen what I have to say about this. But you know what ? The moment you asked me whether I am the one who spread such lifeless uncivillised rumors, I know, that you already doubt my actions. For if you really trust me, you know I would never do such things no matter how much I wanted you for myself or how much I wanted you to be with me because, how could you force love like you can never force happiness ?
You say you were concerned about both of us but the truth is, you are only concerned about your friend. Yes, who am I to you ? Just worthless piece of crap while she had been there all this while with you. And like any normal human being, you would definitely trust the person that you already know longer compared to the person that you just met but I thought you knew me better and that you understand that I'm not such a person although we just knew each other not long but how wrong I was.
As I sat here writing this, the incident kept replaying itself in my head like it was some sort of movie that I can't get rid of. I wish you would stop and think for a minute on how I felt about this issue and not only think about yourself and your friend. You said you care about how I feel that is why you told me all about this but actually all you want is for all these to stop. Don't you think so ?
Funny how things turned out like this for us. I am still in a state of accepting this whole scenario. You asked me whether I'm okay and how am I and each time when I held my phone to reply you, I wanted to say,"NO. I am not fine. Try being doubt by someone you trusted. Try being hated for nothing. Try being the one that was accused" but when I pressed send it would end up as,"What do you think ?", "I'm alive but I'm barely breathing."
My heart felt like it had been trod on each time I see you. The pain, you'll never know. I am smiling, laughing and going on with my daily life but some pain we just don't show. Yes, time definitely will heal the wounds that was inflicted in me but we all know that all wounds leave a scar.
ps : Ken, this is for you :')
Labels: Eff-ed, emon-ess, heart-love
4:55 PM