THE TWIST
Friday, June 28, 2013
"If you we could love forever or even live for eternity, I would want to live forever minus a day."
She was puzzled. The sky was a marvel that night, gazillion of stars and constellation blanketed the sky and there they were, underneath the picturesque view holding each other hands while they lay dow in beside each other. She turned and looked at him and asked why he suddenly murmured such words.
"You know darling," he then laughs. "What is life without you if you ask? I would never live a day without you."
She smiled and clutched his hands tightly and just stared at his brown almond hair, the tiny freckles on his face and also how he has a half crooked smile each time he smile and the way his eyes always search for her just made her felt so thankful to have him in her life.
"Are you going to stare at me the whole night ? The sky is a beautiful view." he said while tucking her hair beneath her ears.
"Honestly Harrold, do you think my parents will allow us to marry? After all they objected our relationship."
He planted a kiss on her forehead,"Nothing is gonna happen sweetheart. Have faith."
Her parents were already waiting on the porch for their daughter. They walked hand in hand and she could see that her parents were a little unhappy about her going out with Harrold.
"We thought you'd never bring our daughter back."
"I'm sorry Mr and Mrs Christopher. I promise it won't happen again. Here's your daughter."
Her parents pulled her harshly and she let out and 'ow'.
"Now move along. We can handle her from now."
He sucked in his breath and he then said,"I came here to discuss our marriage."
There was a look of anger in her father's eyes and with gritted teeth he said,"I've told you before, we will never let our daughter marry a peasant like you."
She tried to protest but to no avail. He then walked away with a heavy heart and turned to steal a glance of her but then the door was already shut.
She ran up to her room and cry her hearts out when she heard a knock on the window. It was him, he came to see her.
"Harrold ! What are you doing here ?! My parents will kill you if they found out you've sneaked in."
"Hushhh. I came to give you this letter. Read it before you sleep and made your mind. I'll be waiting for you Jennifer, I'll never give you up."
Before she could say anything, he vanished in the darkness of the night and she opened the letter in her hands.
'Dearest Jennifer,Do you love me as much as I love you ? If you do, come meet me at the railway station tomorrow. We'll go somewhere where no one will find us and know us. Will start anew and accomplished our dreams there. I'll be waiting for you at night. I'll never leave without you. I love you Jennifer, forever and always.
Harrold.'
*********
Ten years. A time long enough for a person to forget or change something well I thought it was the same for me too but how wrong was I when I bumped him into the street just like the first time we met. I could see that he was no longer the 22 years old guy in my memory but he's had a few frown lines on his forehead, grew himself some beard and a moustache and he had some fine lines underneath his eyes. Despite all that, I knew it was him and as he gave me back my papers he asked,"I'm sorry miss but could be possibly the person that I'm looking for? Are you Jennifer by any chance?"
After ten years, the way he said my name could still make the butterflies in my stomach flutter and my knees weak.
"Hi Harrold. It's been a long time."
He smiled. The smile that I've been dreaming to see for the last ten years.
********
Who could have understand that feeling when you see the love of your life walking down the aisle with someone else. Who?
It was that fateful night where it changes both of our lives. I was about to run away with him when I was stopped by my parents who begged me not to leave them for him but instead stay. I refused and after much hesitation my father allowed me to leave when my mother blurted out that my father's company will go down the drain if I walked out this door. I froze and turned to demand to know what's happening and that is when both of them spilled the beans.
While I was on the plane, I took out the letter and read it over and over again with tears rolling down my cheeks while my sad parents looked on. I knew from the moment I decided to board this plane, I will have to carry this guilt everywhere.
I guess it was fate when I came back and bumped into him. He told me that when I didn't show up that night, he went to my house to find me but I had already left. He tried to contact me but to no avail. For years he tried to locate me but then it all ended up with false hope.
The tears was brimming in my eyes as I witness them exchanging vows. But how can I put the blame at him for moving on while it was entirely my fault for leaving without a word. I never pictured my life te way it is now. It's not that I was not happy that he had found the one for him, it's just that I hope that person that he will be kissing now will be me.
Love is indeed something that I will never understand. When I've made the decision to marry a family friend in order to save my father's company and divorced him after he cheated on me was something I should foresee long ago. But it was all too late now wasn't it ? He is now someone's husband and I after all, will just be another memory for him.
ps : I hope you all enjoy a story. Just decided to write on stuff like this due to some old songs i heard on my playlist :p
Labels: a piece from me
1:12 AM
BLESSED
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Blessed as the post title suggest, indeed I truly am for now. Couldn't feel anything else except this overwhelming happiness in myself and also I find no reason to be sad right now. At least till next week. Life is treating me so good these few days and I got no one to thank except God and my family for giving me this opportunity to improve myself.
Last time, I was not a believer of hard work and effort but now I am as every hard work pays off. And for this time, I'm gonna work my ass off to improve myself as much as possible.
Till then, be happy and smile for nothing last forever. Good moments or bad moments.
Might update another piece later.
Loves :)
5:40 PM
CRAZY
Monday, June 24, 2013
The past four days has been a whirlwind of emotional roller coaster ride for me. The mood swings have been somewhat having a soul and body of itself and control me. Blaming it on the period ? Nah, that will not do for I don't know what triggered the crying spells and tantrums in me. I wish I knew so I can solve it and be okay again but then again.
It is only the first week of semester and I am already feeling depressed and having teary spells instead of having positive vibes or feeling enthusiastic about the new semester. With the last semesters results not out and there is 100% I am failing big time it pretty sums up to the horrible feeling I am having right now. God, please bless me.
I wonder when I started to become this depressed and so pessimist about life ? Was it two years back when I first moved here and every night I call out to my parents name and hearing their voice echoing in my ears and having their visions hover me every night before I sleeps made me rip my soul apart. I was lost and hanging and I have no one at all. I shut myself out from the world for a season, only accompanied by my tears every night.
It's been more than two years and sadly, I am still not okay.
At times before I bid the world good night those memories which I've tried so hard to contain in the depths of my brain sometimes come knocking and begged to see me. Those nights would be so hard to endure, every day in here to be exact is hard to endure but what made me strong and made me tell myself that I can do this, is you, the person who has the ability to make me forgo anything.
Life's been hard this days. I feel so empty and angry. I want to go back to the place I belong, somewhere I can be happy.
I miss you old self.
"Always think positive."
But sometimes is just hard, right ?
ps : thinking of deleting my blog.
1:34 PM
SECOND CHOICE TO HELL
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I've told myself time and again that I will not be anyone's second choice or option anymore but sometimes in life do we stand a choice to always stick to the promises that we had made for our own good, our own selves ? No, I don't think so.
It sucks being a second choice to people whom you care about. That feeling is just like when someone rings you and tell you a news that makes you so happy and then take it back and tell you that it is a joke. That is basically how it feels to be a second choice. But some people beg to differ from this for they believe that if you really love the person, you wouldn't mind being any choice for if you love someone you would do anything.
Well, fuck you and go to hell. It's either you sincerely come and find me or you can go and burn yourself in hell. Any choice is find with me because i'm even your first choice.
10:30 PM
SOME DAYS
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The sun peeked through the window sills and touched her skin softly. She opened her eyes bit by bit, and reached out for the clock near her bed and jumped out of bed when she realised it was already eight in the morning. She quickly slipped in her bedroom slippers, did her up in a bun and went to the table and did the coffee. As she was sipping the coffee, she sat on the sofa reading the newspaper and her phoned beeped.
"Don't forget our date today. I'll wait for you at 4pm at the cafe we first met."
She smiled and hummed a happy tune while she walked to the shower. She washed her hair and they smell of strawberries. She dabbed a powder on her face, put on some lipstick and mascara and but on her boots and sprayed a slight perfume before heading out with a book in her hand and greeting and smiling to the neighbours.
"Heading off to work so early ?"
"Aahh no. I was just dropping by at the grocers before heading off to work."
"Have a good day. You seemed in a good mood."
"I always am. When I wasn't ? You have a good day too!"
When she reached the cafe, he was already there and he lift up his hand so she could see him and he gestured her to sit here. He pulled out the chair for her to sit. Still a gentleman she thought and she smiled to herself.
"What would you like to order miss ?"
"A cup of flat white will do. Thank you."
"And you sir ?"
"I'll take the same one as her."
He looked at her while she was busy scribbling in her notebook. Still the same girl that he felt in love two years ago, he still remember how they first met. He was running late and she was running late too and he bumped into her in front of the cafe where they first met. Her hair was in a bun, she got a pencil tucked in her ear and wore glasses which he felt were to big for her face.
"Oh, I am so sorry. I did not mean to bump into you. Oh God why am I so clumsy?" she said as she picked up his fallen paper and his suitcase.
"It is okay. I should be careful too. No worries." he said as he picked up her book for her.
When they stood up and locked their eyes for the first time, they both were lost for words and for that instant he felt time stood still when he looked at her.
"Hi, I'm MacArthur. You can just call me Arthur." and he held a hand out.
"Hi. Arthur. I'm Samantha." she shook his hand.
"Can I buy you a drink some time to make it up for today?" and he reached for his name card in his pockets.
"Noooooooooooo. I mean, it was partially my fault too for not looking on where I was going. So maybe I should treat you."
"Nah. This time let's make it mine." He smiled at her.
He jumped back into reality when he feel her hand on his.
"What were you thinking Arthur ? You looked so engrossed. Is it regarding work ? Something happened ?"
"I have something to tell you, Samantha."
"Go on."
"I think it is time for us to go our seperate ways."
Her heart stopped. She dropped her pen and stared at him.
"I'm sorry, Samantha. This is why I asked you out today despite knowing that from now on things will never be the same again for us. I'm sorry Samantha but I do not want to prolong it any longer."
The tears brimmed in her eyes and she bit her lip so that her tears won't spill and she looked up at him and asked why.
He held her hand tight and kiss it.
"I know this all seemed to fast for you but I think this is the best for us. I don't think that I'm perfect for you or I am compatible for you. You and me, we were like from two different worlds. You have everything and I don't. I'm scared, really scared that we won't work out in the end. I'm afraid I won't be able to give you what you dreamed and desire for. I know this all sounds crazy for now but this is reality. We can't always get what we want in life. I love you Samantha and I want you to be happy."
With tears in her eyes she muttered why now ? why after two years ? why not way back then when we first met.
3:15 PM
PATHETIC AND DESPERATE
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Dear You,
Before you decided to love me, there is something that you need to know. I've been broken before and damaged and I'm not quite fixed yet. I know there is times that you will hate me and feel compelled to leave. But please don't give up on me, no matter how hard it is.
What does being in love actually means ? Does being in love means that you are always over the moon all the time or are you having somewhat the best of both worlds ? Well, I don't really know to be honest as all these while when I thought that I am in love, they turned to be likewise than what I thought and this time, I still have not achieve the fairy tale or happy ending that I have dreamed of.
I know I should be realistic and get both my head and feet on the ground for how can you achieve those kind of love in stories or novels ? For they are nothing but make believe scenes made up by people who have so much talent, creativity and imagination to make our heart long for something like this when the truth is none of this really happens.
I used to be someone who believe in true love and all the happy endings. I used to a firm believer of all those until I gave my heart to the wrong guy each time. But what can I say ? When you gave your heart to someone else, you have to be prepared to face the worst case scenarios.
Many people dream of a happy ending and a long lasting relationship. But how many of them really fight for it or change into a better person for their other half ? But I thought love means accepting your other half the way the are, overseeing their flaws and look beyond their imperfection but how many wanted the perfect one ?
Guess I never learn from the lesson I received. Never fall too hard or too fast and never trust words for they can be twist and turned to suit the mind. But I do all those each time, I fall too fast, too hard by a guy who swept me off my feet with all those words I longed to hear. But can I blame myself for trusting you when you gave me so much reason to believe you. If I knew you were trouble, I would not even dare to let my walls down for you.
And here I am wallowing my self pity when you decided to be like the wind and disappear and evaporate from my life. I try not to be this way but then I'm still a girl and I don't go around being a heartbreaker. Plus, just because you had been hurt before and betrayed, does that mean that others should receive the same fate as you ?
Never could I feel more grateful for having my hopes fueled up and thinking that I have a chance when from the beginning all you want is for me to fall for you and then lett me hanging. Yeah, I guess this is a great feeling. Maybe I'm just a bandage for your heart and now you are okay, you think it's time to leave. Yeah.
I never knew I am someone you could give up so easily. I thought what we had was real. I really thought. I got no one else to blame except myself for being a complete idiot.
And once again, does love need to hurt this much ?
ps: screw test and quiz tomorrow. I feel so fucked up.
Labels: Eff-ed, empty, heartbreak, worthless
8:28 PM
CINDERELLA
Sunday, April 21, 2013
I wonder what am I feeling now is it really love or is it just an illusion that my heart creates at the slightest bit of attention or the feeling of affection my heart gets ? Well, that is something that I should reflect on cause sometimes my heart likes to have an argument with my brain and I don't really know who shall I listen to at times. But then, that is another story.
Captivating sometimes I feel how can somebody or someone just take your breath away and sweep you off your feet to the seventh heaven and then just leave you hanging the next day ? In simplified words, someone can tell you how much you mean to them in a day and treat you like the princess you deserve and the next day you feel like oh god damn did the clock struck 12am ? Why did everything changed ?
And these few weeks or days okay days to be exact I feel like cinderella. Where all my dreams come true in finding a prince charming and then when the clock strikes twelve midnight, everything is back to normal. No more beautiful shimmering overflown gown, no more glass slippers and also no more nice hair and perfect make up whatsoever and most importantly no more dancing through the night or having a nice time with the man of your dreams. All I'm left is ragged clothes, messy hair, smeared mascara and the guy ? Poof ! Vanish in mid air. Except I'm talking all this figuratively, it's not as bad as it sounds but in a way it is.
Sometimes, I asked myself, why do I even do this ? Everyday checking my phone, waiting for his call and do all sorts of stuff to get his attention when he is just keeping calm and all. Guys are really from mars aren't they. I can seem to fathom what are they trying to make out.
Maybe I should get the hint. People think we're cute and happy and all but sometimes I don't really think so. But then again, I can't expect a guy to give me attention like every five seconds right ? That is definitely stupid and clingy. But just so you know, a simple message or just a slight gesture can tell a girl that you actually care for her and sometimes you value the relationship more than she does. I know it's good that you called and text and all but sometimes I feel that you kind of neglect me.
Anyway I'm not really your girlfriend so fuck me for blabbing on how am I feeling this way. I think we have this love-hate relationship or what.
Top of it all, I appreciate every single thing you do even the slightest thing that I told you a few decades back and you remember really make my heart soar to the moon and back. See, you can show affection if you want just that maybe it's your alter ego. I don't know. Our late night conversations mean more to me than you ever know.
Just so you know, I don't hate you. It's just that it is just a random thought. And I'm not being nonchalant okay. I still like you though. :) xx
ps: is this my longest post this year ?
Labels: love, Random blah's, rant
2:17 PM
THE TWIST