SOME DAYS
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The sun peeked through the window sills and touched her skin softly. She opened her eyes bit by bit, and reached out for the clock near her bed and jumped out of bed when she realised it was already eight in the morning. She quickly slipped in her bedroom slippers, did her up in a bun and went to the table and did the coffee. As she was sipping the coffee, she sat on the sofa reading the newspaper and her phoned beeped.
"Don't forget our date today. I'll wait for you at 4pm at the cafe we first met."
She smiled and hummed a happy tune while she walked to the shower. She washed her hair and they smell of strawberries. She dabbed a powder on her face, put on some lipstick and mascara and but on her boots and sprayed a slight perfume before heading out with a book in her hand and greeting and smiling to the neighbours.
"Heading off to work so early ?"
"Aahh no. I was just dropping by at the grocers before heading off to work."
"Have a good day. You seemed in a good mood."
"I always am. When I wasn't ? You have a good day too!"
When she reached the cafe, he was already there and he lift up his hand so she could see him and he gestured her to sit here. He pulled out the chair for her to sit. Still a gentleman she thought and she smiled to herself.
"What would you like to order miss ?"
"A cup of flat white will do. Thank you."
"And you sir ?"
"I'll take the same one as her."
He looked at her while she was busy scribbling in her notebook. Still the same girl that he felt in love two years ago, he still remember how they first met. He was running late and she was running late too and he bumped into her in front of the cafe where they first met. Her hair was in a bun, she got a pencil tucked in her ear and wore glasses which he felt were to big for her face.
"Oh, I am so sorry. I did not mean to bump into you. Oh God why am I so clumsy?" she said as she picked up his fallen paper and his suitcase.
"It is okay. I should be careful too. No worries." he said as he picked up her book for her.
When they stood up and locked their eyes for the first time, they both were lost for words and for that instant he felt time stood still when he looked at her.
"Hi, I'm MacArthur. You can just call me Arthur." and he held a hand out.
"Hi. Arthur. I'm Samantha." she shook his hand.
"Can I buy you a drink some time to make it up for today?" and he reached for his name card in his pockets.
"Noooooooooooo. I mean, it was partially my fault too for not looking on where I was going. So maybe I should treat you."
"Nah. This time let's make it mine." He smiled at her.
He jumped back into reality when he feel her hand on his.
"What were you thinking Arthur ? You looked so engrossed. Is it regarding work ? Something happened ?"
"I have something to tell you, Samantha."
"Go on."
"I think it is time for us to go our seperate ways."
Her heart stopped. She dropped her pen and stared at him.
"I'm sorry, Samantha. This is why I asked you out today despite knowing that from now on things will never be the same again for us. I'm sorry Samantha but I do not want to prolong it any longer."
The tears brimmed in her eyes and she bit her lip so that her tears won't spill and she looked up at him and asked why.
He held her hand tight and kiss it.
"I know this all seemed to fast for you but I think this is the best for us. I don't think that I'm perfect for you or I am compatible for you. You and me, we were like from two different worlds. You have everything and I don't. I'm scared, really scared that we won't work out in the end. I'm afraid I won't be able to give you what you dreamed and desire for. I know this all sounds crazy for now but this is reality. We can't always get what we want in life. I love you Samantha and I want you to be happy."
With tears in her eyes she muttered why now ? why after two years ? why not way back then when we first met.
3:15 PM
PATHETIC AND DESPERATE
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Dear You,
Before you decided to love me, there is something that you need to know. I've been broken before and damaged and I'm not quite fixed yet. I know there is times that you will hate me and feel compelled to leave. But please don't give up on me, no matter how hard it is.
What does being in love actually means ? Does being in love means that you are always over the moon all the time or are you having somewhat the best of both worlds ? Well, I don't really know to be honest as all these while when I thought that I am in love, they turned to be likewise than what I thought and this time, I still have not achieve the fairy tale or happy ending that I have dreamed of.
I know I should be realistic and get both my head and feet on the ground for how can you achieve those kind of love in stories or novels ? For they are nothing but make believe scenes made up by people who have so much talent, creativity and imagination to make our heart long for something like this when the truth is none of this really happens.
I used to be someone who believe in true love and all the happy endings. I used to a firm believer of all those until I gave my heart to the wrong guy each time. But what can I say ? When you gave your heart to someone else, you have to be prepared to face the worst case scenarios.
Many people dream of a happy ending and a long lasting relationship. But how many of them really fight for it or change into a better person for their other half ? But I thought love means accepting your other half the way the are, overseeing their flaws and look beyond their imperfection but how many wanted the perfect one ?
Guess I never learn from the lesson I received. Never fall too hard or too fast and never trust words for they can be twist and turned to suit the mind. But I do all those each time, I fall too fast, too hard by a guy who swept me off my feet with all those words I longed to hear. But can I blame myself for trusting you when you gave me so much reason to believe you. If I knew you were trouble, I would not even dare to let my walls down for you.
And here I am wallowing my self pity when you decided to be like the wind and disappear and evaporate from my life. I try not to be this way but then I'm still a girl and I don't go around being a heartbreaker. Plus, just because you had been hurt before and betrayed, does that mean that others should receive the same fate as you ?
Never could I feel more grateful for having my hopes fueled up and thinking that I have a chance when from the beginning all you want is for me to fall for you and then lett me hanging. Yeah, I guess this is a great feeling. Maybe I'm just a bandage for your heart and now you are okay, you think it's time to leave. Yeah.
I never knew I am someone you could give up so easily. I thought what we had was real. I really thought. I got no one else to blame except myself for being a complete idiot.
And once again, does love need to hurt this much ?
ps: screw test and quiz tomorrow. I feel so fucked up.
Labels: Eff-ed, empty, heartbreak, worthless
8:28 PM
CINDERELLA
Sunday, April 21, 2013
I wonder what am I feeling now is it really love or is it just an illusion that my heart creates at the slightest bit of attention or the feeling of affection my heart gets ? Well, that is something that I should reflect on cause sometimes my heart likes to have an argument with my brain and I don't really know who shall I listen to at times. But then, that is another story.
Captivating sometimes I feel how can somebody or someone just take your breath away and sweep you off your feet to the seventh heaven and then just leave you hanging the next day ? In simplified words, someone can tell you how much you mean to them in a day and treat you like the princess you deserve and the next day you feel like oh god damn did the clock struck 12am ? Why did everything changed ?
And these few weeks or days okay days to be exact I feel like cinderella. Where all my dreams come true in finding a prince charming and then when the clock strikes twelve midnight, everything is back to normal. No more beautiful shimmering overflown gown, no more glass slippers and also no more nice hair and perfect make up whatsoever and most importantly no more dancing through the night or having a nice time with the man of your dreams. All I'm left is ragged clothes, messy hair, smeared mascara and the guy ? Poof ! Vanish in mid air. Except I'm talking all this figuratively, it's not as bad as it sounds but in a way it is.
Sometimes, I asked myself, why do I even do this ? Everyday checking my phone, waiting for his call and do all sorts of stuff to get his attention when he is just keeping calm and all. Guys are really from mars aren't they. I can seem to fathom what are they trying to make out.
Maybe I should get the hint. People think we're cute and happy and all but sometimes I don't really think so. But then again, I can't expect a guy to give me attention like every five seconds right ? That is definitely stupid and clingy. But just so you know, a simple message or just a slight gesture can tell a girl that you actually care for her and sometimes you value the relationship more than she does. I know it's good that you called and text and all but sometimes I feel that you kind of neglect me.
Anyway I'm not really your girlfriend so fuck me for blabbing on how am I feeling this way. I think we have this love-hate relationship or what.
Top of it all, I appreciate every single thing you do even the slightest thing that I told you a few decades back and you remember really make my heart soar to the moon and back. See, you can show affection if you want just that maybe it's your alter ego. I don't know. Our late night conversations mean more to me than you ever know.
Just so you know, I don't hate you. It's just that it is just a random thought. And I'm not being nonchalant okay. I still like you though. :) xx
ps: is this my longest post this year ?
Labels: love, Random blah's, rant
2:17 PM
TRUST
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Trust. What is it really ? Three years ago I put my trust in the wrong hands and got scarred deeply. Nothing hurts more than to be hurt by the one person who you thought would never hurt you. And when they do, they just leave you a throbbing wound and a scar to remind you that never ever repeat the same mistake again.
And now, I decided to place my trust again. This time, will I be scarred worst than before ?
But being scarred before keeps leaving us with all those unwanted memories that can't be hide or just push away. It just stays there like an old movie replaying itself at the back of your mind. It's true that they say you can never forget your first love ? But that does not mean that we can't fall in love again.
I decided to trust you and somehow I do hope that you would place your trust in me too. I know what it feels like to get left behind and get betrayed for I have been there and done that.
Both you and I, we can make this work.
12:04 AM
I DON'T KNOW
Monday, April 8, 2013
What happens when you finally found someone who look passed every flaw and imperfection you have and decided to just accept you the way you are ? Do you run, hide or embrace the fact that there is someone out there who loves you for whatever you might be.
Labels: rant
11:29 PM