Friday, September 28, 2012
Finals in three weeks. Then I'm off to Australia. Goodbye, Malaysia and Hello weeks of endless fun :D
1:03 AM
WHEN WORDS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Call me a name, kill me with words, forget about me because that is what I deserve.
As I gaze at the picture of us that was hanging on the wall, I realised how much things had change for us. What brings me happiness now only brings me sadness. As I placed one hand to wipe the dust off the picture, I smiled looking that somehow somewhere somewhat I know that I will always and forever be loving you.
I am one person who is and never was a good person in expressing feelings especially to the people that I love and treasure so much in my whole life. Those three words always have a difficult time coming out from my mouth, and I wonder why. We humans, what are we good at ? Hiding and masking our emotions from others. Lying that we're fine when we're not. I for an example love you but act I am not. I wish I could hug you and pour at my hearts out now and say how much I love you and how I wish to stay with you forever.
Each time you didn't call, I worry. I held the phone in my hand the whole time waiting for you but my fingers just won't dial your number. Each time you called, a part of me burst into a pool of tears while a part of me is wishing I could teleport all the way to you and give you a big tight hug telling you that I am fine and you don't have to worry about me. But each time you called, I was cold on the other end while you there was concern about me and wanting to know how my day went. Days when I am in a good mood, I'll talk but days when I'm in a bad mood, I will just tell you to leave me alone. I hate myself for being like this, for treating you like this and I know you deserve more than all this.
I always want you by my side. But I can't be so selfish wanting you beside me all the time and forever. You have your life to go on and as much I want to always hold you, I know I can't.
Tears trickled down my cheeks as I think back on what a son of a bitch I am for the past few years. You mean so much to me, more than I can ever say. People say tell the person you love them before it's too late. I know I don't say it and you know I won't say it. Please, I beg you never to doubt my love for you. We don't need all those lovey dovey words to show our love for each other right ? Cause I know somehow deep down somewhere in between you know I love you.
Now, I'm counting down to the days where I can see you again. Distance kills. Waiting is terrible. But I could go through all this with those words from you. I owe all of you all too much. If I could not repay it all back in this life, I swear I will pay it all back if there is an another life for us.
I love you mum.
I love you boy.
I love you yee.
I love you yong.
I love you all ahku, beh yee, sah yee.
I love all of you, my precious and beautiful family.
God please take care of them for me while I couldn't as my hands is not long enough to reach them but I hope my prayers do.
Labels: Emo, empty, heartbreak, worthless
11:58 PM
MISSING
Monday, September 17, 2012
I am supposed to be doing this truck loads assignments but as usual my mind always wander off somewhere else while I'm in a midst of doing something important. Plus, now I am listening to Big Bang's Japanese Album with this track which I don't know what it is called but the music is so soothing and relaxing which blends in so well with the cloudy weather. Trust me, if there is no assignments, I'll probably be sitting on the couch, sipping hot coffee or chocolate and just laze around and watch some movies on HBO or Fox Movies. But then again, life always did not go the way we want it to.
Now, this is not going to be a post where I would go on endlessly complaining that my life sucks and go on and on with the suicidal thoughts. Life has more than that right but sometimes I just can't help expressing myself in such a manner as for me somehow words express me better compared to myself. I do miss my old self where I was always reading and writing and reading and writing. That part of me somewhat had gone and I can't seem to find it. Nowadays if I write, it would be some crappy nonsensical stuff which wouldn't make sense. Regret you ask ? Of course I do. To find the old me, I have to burry myself in books again and try to write. Cause that is what I am good at. Rant rant rant. No?
Sometimes while doing assignments, I wish I could just write at ease like how I am typing this out. Like all the words would just come out gradually rather than spending most of the time thinking what to write. Since secondary, I am never an academic writing person. I am always more to the those storylines and stuff. But since I enrolled myself in this college everything is basically academic writing and it drives me up the wall.
Aah. I've wander off to far. Time to go. I promise to update a happier one in the near future.
3:39 PM