FRAGILE
Friday, February 10, 2012
Do you know the feeling where you had enough of everything and you want to just break down on that very moment ? But you can't and you hold back your tears because there is people around you as they will be worried about you if they see you shedding tears. You try to contain the feelings that is rushing in you and try to hold back as long as possible but you just can't. Slowly without even you wanting, tears started to roll down your cheeks.
I asked myself, how long more do I need to be strong before I crumble and fall into pieces ? I am so tired. So tired of plastering a smile all over my face and showing everyone that I am okay, I am fine when all I want to do is to just curl up in a ball and cry my lungs out. It just sucks so bad to be strong and though when I am just a soft person over the hard shell that I build around me.
Each time mum called or my brother or even my second aunty called me over the phone, many times I pinch myself when talking to them on the phone to stop myself from bursting to tears. My mum could sense that there is something bothering me and pestered me to tell her what is it that had been keeping me awake. Me being the usual stubborn and selfless self always assured her that I am okay and I am piled up with work but deep down I know that those were not the reason.
But how could I bring myself to tell them that I could not sleep every night and could only sleep after the wee hours of the morning? How could I tell them that all I wanted to do at that time is just hug them and tell them how much I miss them and how much I want to be by my side. I bet if I do so, my mum will have a panic disorder or some stuff and will take the fastest mean of transport to reach here and see whether I am okay. I would never want to let her know that I am actually just so fragile.
Maybe this was never the right path for me since the beginning itself. But who am I to say for everything happens for a reason. And according to Newton's Second Law Of Motion, for every action there is an opposite reaction and I know beneath me, God is helping me and saving me for the best but all the hurdles and obstacles between are just too though for me.
Many times I wanted to escape and to just give up everything and start my life anew. But how could I forget that moment where you were so proud of me in choosing this path. I told myself that I could never disappoint you again and I am gonna make you proud me regardless what it takes but all these are just too tough for me.
And with the news of my father's mom just add in to my misery. Despite of you can't be able to walk anymore and yet you never fail to ask about me everyday when mum come to see you. Grandma, please be okay and wait for me. Just another two weeks. I promise you that I will come asap and see you. Take care as I will always be praying for you.
These few weeks, the tears get frequent. I do not know how long I could take all this. I just hope that I don't shatter. Amazing isn't how one smile can hide everything that I am hiding underneath it ?
ps: I miss all of you dearest ones in Malacca and those far away from me.
Labels: emon-ess
11:26 PM
