TROUBLED
Monday, February 20, 2012
It's true that we will never appreciate what we have till it is gone from us. We often take things that are given to us for granted and once we let it slip off our hands, no matter how much regret we have we just know that some things are not meant to be in our life again.
But thank God I was given a second chance.
Lately, I do not know whether am I too paranoid or think too much or plainly just sober and depressed. I feel like I am missing lot's of things in my life. Things that I once had and now gone and things that I used to hate and now I have. I don't know. I feel like life is getting tough for me and what keeps me holding on and strong for so long is the people around me.
I am one person with a very high ego. I hate admitting my flaws and I love to flaunt my pride. Even if I love somebody and I know that I could not live without them, I would never admit it till the other party says so. Many times I lost so many people that love me due to this. And one of them has gotta be my family.
Those people never fail to be there for me whenever I need them but how often was I there for them when they need me ? I always let them down again and again. Make them angry the hell outta me and show my tantrum if I do not get things done my way. I am a spoilt brat. Being pampered with the most lavish and finest things in life, sometimes I forget where I stand.
Each time before going back to KL after spending time in the lovely hometown and when I stepped in the car to go home, many times I control myself from breaking down in front of my mother and brother. Each time before going home I wanted to just run into their arms and hug them and never to let them go but because of my pride, countless times I just forgo it. I am going to be nineteen this year and I really do not want o let them to see me crying.
As I sat here writing this, I reminisce at the past one of the loveliest and blissful time of my life and yet I let it slip away from me.
If only I could turn back the hand of the time.
I just need to be strong for 5 more days.
9:34 PM
FRAGILE
Friday, February 10, 2012
Do you know the feeling where you had enough of everything and you want to just break down on that very moment ? But you can't and you hold back your tears because there is people around you as they will be worried about you if they see you shedding tears. You try to contain the feelings that is rushing in you and try to hold back as long as possible but you just can't. Slowly without even you wanting, tears started to roll down your cheeks.
I asked myself, how long more do I need to be strong before I crumble and fall into pieces ? I am so tired. So tired of plastering a smile all over my face and showing everyone that I am okay, I am fine when all I want to do is to just curl up in a ball and cry my lungs out. It just sucks so bad to be strong and though when I am just a soft person over the hard shell that I build around me.
Each time mum called or my brother or even my second aunty called me over the phone, many times I pinch myself when talking to them on the phone to stop myself from bursting to tears. My mum could sense that there is something bothering me and pestered me to tell her what is it that had been keeping me awake. Me being the usual stubborn and selfless self always assured her that I am okay and I am piled up with work but deep down I know that those were not the reason.
But how could I bring myself to tell them that I could not sleep every night and could only sleep after the wee hours of the morning? How could I tell them that all I wanted to do at that time is just hug them and tell them how much I miss them and how much I want to be by my side. I bet if I do so, my mum will have a panic disorder or some stuff and will take the fastest mean of transport to reach here and see whether I am okay. I would never want to let her know that I am actually just so fragile.
Maybe this was never the right path for me since the beginning itself. But who am I to say for everything happens for a reason. And according to Newton's Second Law Of Motion, for every action there is an opposite reaction and I know beneath me, God is helping me and saving me for the best but all the hurdles and obstacles between are just too though for me.
Many times I wanted to escape and to just give up everything and start my life anew. But how could I forget that moment where you were so proud of me in choosing this path. I told myself that I could never disappoint you again and I am gonna make you proud me regardless what it takes but all these are just too tough for me.
And with the news of my father's mom just add in to my misery. Despite of you can't be able to walk anymore and yet you never fail to ask about me everyday when mum come to see you. Grandma, please be okay and wait for me. Just another two weeks. I promise you that I will come asap and see you. Take care as I will always be praying for you.
These few weeks, the tears get frequent. I do not know how long I could take all this. I just hope that I don't shatter. Amazing isn't how one smile can hide everything that I am hiding underneath it ?
ps: I miss all of you dearest ones in Malacca and those far away from me.
Labels: emon-ess
11:26 PM
GONE WERE THOSE DAYS
Monday, February 6, 2012
I always reminisce those beautiful days. Every night before I sleep all those thought would fill the empty spaces in my head thus making me sometime overwhelmed with emotions. I dwell on the past too much, I wish I could still live in it but now all I could do now is remember it.
Gone were those days where broken knees and someone stole my candy use to be the biggest problem in my childhood. Now, I am thrown with so many problems and I need to face harsh side of reality and the saddest thing is I am facing all this all alone. My family is all far away from me and I got no one here and I feel like a lost soul trapped in both worlds and could not find a way out.
Some days are good but most of them are bad like real bad. Sometimes I feel like breaking down at the very moment and just bawl my eyes out to death but I couldn't and I wish I could but I couldn't. These days, it is getting more often that I will wake up with a swollen eye due to the excessive amount of tears that I cry at night. Sometimes I don't even know why I am crying. I feel like there is a heavy burden in my heart that no matter how much strength that I put, I just couldn't lift it up.
You know the feeling where you want to run somewhere but you don't know where to go ? Where you want to run to someone but you don't know who ? That is what I am now.
I do not know why everything have to change so much for me in this place that is so alien to me.
ps: bad days and bad people please just go away.
Labels: college, emon-ess
9:57 PM
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Once again, I feel completely empty and lost.
11:59 PM
