DON'T YOU REMEMBER
Sunday, October 16, 2011
When was the last time you had thought of me ? Or have you completely erased me from your memory ? When will I see you again ? You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said. I had no idea the state we were in.
Don't You Remember - Adele
I sighed and glanced at the watch on my wrist. It's already getting late and the skies above showed signs that it is going to rain and we still couldn't find the way home from the book fair. I turned off the radio as it was booming with all those heavy metal and hardcore rock songs. I leaned back and as I was about to doze off, my eye caught sight of a familiar place. I blinked and I peered at the window incase I was dreaming but then I realised that I wasn't.
A million gazillions scenes flood my mind without warning and I found myself replaying the favourite memories of us - the stolen glances, the random calls and text message and the short blissful moments when everything seemed ever so perfect. A smile drew across my face as I knew back then everything was real for how could you keep going back to someone who completely had no feelings at all.
But don't you remember ? Don't you remember at all ? The reasons you loved me ? Baby, please remember me once more.
Queer isn't how you could fall completely head over heels for someone who made you think that you are somewhat special and the next moment before you knew it, that special someone made you feel like you're nothing. Like you're some worthless piece of crap or a toy that is waiting to be dumped after we got bored ? Queer isn't how people think that feelings are something that could be toy around ?
It is amazing how at one point of our lives, we can be extremely close with someone and then later both of you became two complete stranger. Both of you will pass by each other without a single word. Without a single acknowledging look. This person, who once knew your fears, dreams, past and also future is now walking past you, seeing right through you. Funny and at the same time queer isn't ?
Another night where the image and scenes of you flashed right before my eyes. Another night where I find it impossible to shut my eyes without having you dwelling in my mind filling the empty spaces in my head.
As I was drifting to sleep, I asked myself.
Does love need to hurt this much ?Labels: heart-love
3:52 PM
ACROPHOBIA
Saturday, October 15, 2011
A vain picture of myself before I start posting :p
I swallowed the lump at my throat and I repeatedly tell myself that I am able to do it. It was just a matter of whether I want it or not. So, when he asked,"Who's next ?" I ran to the front without even thinking and when I finally got back to my senses, I wonder why I am here. What the effing shit ? But it was all too late and I could not turn back and I could only move forward.
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I am suffering from Acrophobia. To those that do not know what acrophobia is, it simply means extreme or irrational fear of heights which in my terms of language will be KABOOMING FEAR OF HEIGHTS. And for everyone that is suffering from acrophobia it is best advised if we don't get our adrenaline pumping by doing any height activities and it is best if we remain on the grounds but due to unforeseen circumstances for example abseiling where if you don't do it, you will fail the coursework immediately and you have to wait for another six months before you can retake and therefore I know I am left with absolutely no choice to choose at all.
I barge forward with my friend to be the next in line to abseil down from that mind blowing cliff. I could feel sweat trickling down my face and I wiped it off swallowing the lump in my throat. I held my breathe as I watched my guy friends abseil down the cliff. My friend patted me on the shoulder and told me it was nothing and it was fun meanwhile my beloved son told me that it was awesome. It did calmed me down a lil and so I am filled with positive thoughts in my head and I told myself I could do it but how bloody wrong I was.
I wore the belt, wore the gloves and my son helped me with the helmet. I gulped. I told him I was afraid. He assured me that it was awesome as long as I don't look at the sea and everything would be fine. I took a step foward and I turned back and my friends were waving at me and assured me everything will be okay. I took a deep breath and climb up the tracks of the jungle.
I was alone. I don't know which way to go. Should I go to the left or to the right. In the end i decided to climb up the hill while holding one of the tree branches to get a grip of myself, it broke and I slid all the way down and my leg got cut and bruised all over. I really wanted to cry at that moment and just sit down there and screamed for help. In the end, I stood up and climbed all over again to the top and I finally arrived and my whole stomach just did a summersault.
The view from above is definitely not amusing nor interesting and not even close to awesome. My lecturer said the height is just like the second floor of our class. I bet she said that to make me felt at ease. The height was like we're standing on the Eifel Tower or Taipei 101. Okay maybe I am exaggerating but that was exactly what I felt when I stood on the cliff. I took a peek down and I could feel my whole legs getting weak and at any moment I am going to faint.
The girl before me abseil down like a boss and then it was my class rep turn and she was afraid too but she abseil anyway and halfway she was clinging for her dear life. My God. That triggered all the fear hormones in my body and before I knew it I was panicking all over and my friend kept calming me down but I just could not calm down ! Soon it was my damn turn. My whole face had the word fear written all over it and I keep mumbling my prayers beneath my breath and when the instructor thighten the belt and hook and taught me how to abseil down, I could no longer feel my legs or my hands. I could feel my heart beating in my mouth and sweat was dripping profusely. I closed my eyes and said my prayers.
My legs was shivering and my even my hand shivered when I tried to abseil down. First two attempts I failed because I fell. Then the instructor told me to give it a break and try after I am ready and I was already crying wait I think I was wailing and I sat down lock knees and cried and cried like I lost my loved ones in some shit tragedy and to add to the misery I was bleeding on my elbow due to the fall. My two friends calmed me down and encourage me and I could hear Arvin shouting my name with the rest of my friends that I can do it. I cried even more. I hated myself for being such a baby at such a crucial moment. And the most heart warming thing, my bii came all the way up to comfort me and I was pouring my hearts out towards her.
I told myself I should not be such a coward and everyone is looking at me and the third attempt I abseiled down. My heart was beating against my chest like it is going to come off any moment and my friends were cheering for me down there and I was shivering and I am down halfway when I saw the sea and started freaking out all over again and before I knew it I was shrieking and screaming at sir for not letting go the rope and I was crying all over again on wanting to die and I am scared out of my wits but alas I reached on the ground safely and got hugs from my friends and my lecturer and I cried the whole day after that as I was bloody traumatized.
If given a second chance, never would I wish to endure these shit all over again. Heights is not my thing.
A few photos. Not from my camera tho as I did not bring my phone :\
ps : thank you to those who take their time and read this whole long crappy post till the end. I love you (:
Labels: college, outings
3:51 PM
THE TWIST