WHAT ARE WORDS
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I know that I had to leave now. I had to go but somehow my legs just wouldn't move. I looked at him, I could feel my tears welling up. My intuition told me that I should walk away that very moment and I did not and that was when my whole world started to crashed itself on me. . .
*******
Now where do I begin ? From the moment I received the text or from the moment that I felt like my heart just got slashed, ripped and torn apart ? I don't know where to begin. Shall I cry because of what happened or smile and move on ? For I am here dazed and confused for I don't know what's the best thing to do.
As I walked towards him, I could feel my heart pounding so hard against my chest that I literally could feel that it is gonna jumped out from my body and roll on the floor. A part of me wanted to run towards class while a part of me just wanna hear what he had to say. But as a lady, I was told to keep my head up high and keep my pace upright. So, I smiled when I saw him.
************
Rumors. Funny how people always believed them without even bothering to find out the truth. Funny how people always hear only one side of a story for a person whom they trust more. Then there was me, gasping for air as I tried to digest everything that he said. I was heartbroken and at the same time angry and disappointed. My head was spinning with all the words circling around my head. I don't know which emotion shall I portray out at that very moment. All I want to do is to hit him so hard for being such a jerk to actually doubt that I would actually do and say such things but the truth is, all I wanted to do most at the moment is to cry.
I never thought that I am actually such a person to you. I never thought that you will actually believed or doubt that I would do such things. Yes, you said you just wanted to clarify this issue and listen what I have to say about this. But you know what ? The moment you asked me whether I am the one who spread such lifeless uncivillised rumors, I know, that you already doubt my actions. For if you really trust me, you know I would never do such things no matter how much I wanted you for myself or how much I wanted you to be with me because, how could you force love like you can never force happiness ?
You say you were concerned about both of us but the truth is, you are only concerned about your friend. Yes, who am I to you ? Just worthless piece of crap while she had been there all this while with you. And like any normal human being, you would definitely trust the person that you already know longer compared to the person that you just met but I thought you knew me better and that you understand that I'm not such a person although we just knew each other not long but how wrong I was.
As I sat here writing this, the incident kept replaying itself in my head like it was some sort of movie that I can't get rid of. I wish you would stop and think for a minute on how I felt about this issue and not only think about yourself and your friend. You said you care about how I feel that is why you told me all about this but actually all you want is for all these to stop. Don't you think so ?
Funny how things turned out like this for us. I am still in a state of accepting this whole scenario. You asked me whether I'm okay and how am I and each time when I held my phone to reply you, I wanted to say,"NO. I am not fine. Try being doubt by someone you trusted. Try being hated for nothing. Try being the one that was accused" but when I pressed send it would end up as,"What do you think ?", "I'm alive but I'm barely breathing."
My heart felt like it had been trod on each time I see you. The pain, you'll never know. I am smiling, laughing and going on with my daily life but some pain we just don't show. Yes, time definitely will heal the wounds that was inflicted in me but we all know that all wounds leave a scar.
ps : Ken, this is for you :')
Labels: Eff-ed, emon-ess, heart-love
4:55 PM
HANGING
Monday, September 26, 2011
The rain pelted against the window. Pitter patter pitter patter it goes. I looked out and I saw people scurrying away to a shady area while I sat here reminiscing all those times we had together. I could feel tears brimming upon my eyes to see that now he is now slowly trying to distance himself from me.
"It makes me feel desperate and pathetic that I need him more than he needed me. And that I love him more than he love me."
I wonder what happened to us. I kept asking myself, WAS IT ME ? Was I the one being too clingy ? Or was it you, who doesn't put enough effort till I have this feeling that haunt me for days and keep lingering in my mind. I begged all those thoughts to go away to leave me alone.
I told myself, if you want to talk to me, you would. That is why when you did not reply me, I did not ask you, did not confronted you, I did nothing but staring at my phone hoping that each time my phone vibrates, your name will appear but no matter how many times my phone vibrates, it's just not you.
"What once bring happiness now only brings misery."
As I sat here, lost in my own thoughts, I asked myself, the times when we were together, was it true ? Do you know what's worst when you found out that the person you love lied ? Is that you wonder whether all these times the things that they say or do was it true or was it fake ? Is this the real you now ? Those days when you were making me fall for you, was it a mask that you put on to deceive me ?
You led me on when clearly I have no hope. You wanted me, you had me. And now when you know I am helplessly head over heels with you, you decided it's best that you start to distance yourself from me. Do you know how much it hurts to see that I walk in front of you and yet you don't give a damn on me. You dint even notice me.
Please don't leave me hanging. Is either you want me or you don't want me. I want nothing in between that. I'm sorry if you think that I don't trust you or that I doubt what you did to me, it's because you were the one who made me feel that way. I am so sorry that I am not good enough for you.
ps : Please, I want back the guy that I first fall in love with :(
Labels: emon-ess
2:46 PM
NO DIGNITY
Monday, September 19, 2011
A big FUCK YOU before I start my post.
I hear your name about every corner in our college. Your name keep ringing in my ear. And you were rumoured to be in a relationship with my friend. And being the busybody me, I was dying to know who are you and what kind of person you are that everyone just can't seem to get enough of you and knowing you was one of the worst and stupidest thing I ever did in my life. Just so you know I seriously regretted being all nice and friendly to you when you stabbed my back with a long sword that God I think it hurt till my ribs.
You gave me a good first impression when we first met, friendly, jovial, a frank person and all other good traits and trust me as much I wish to see you die now you were really fun to be with for the first few days till you decided to be a bitch oops I mean a WHORE and that what changes everything.
First of all, can't you be true to one guy ? Like only liking one guy instead of flirting with a trillion zillion guys ? First of all, you were rumored to be in a relationship with my friend then as time goes I heard that you are trying to hook up with a Malay guy ? Like seriously ? First Indian then Malay and now my guy ? Please I do not tolerate bitches oops I mean whores for your case when it comes to rushing guys. Please, if the guy is unavailable and in love, LEAVE HIM ALONE ! So many other fishes in the sea why do you have to have an eye for my fish ? WHATTHEFUCK is wrong with your brains ?
Actually, I only started to dislike you when you decided to step foot into out relationship. You clearly know that me and him is not just only friends but beyond than that and yet you forgo your dignity (do you even have one ?) to flirt with my guy ? Because as what I heard from a trustable sources, someone actually told you that I was so bloody lucky to have him by my side. So you clearly know from the bloody beginning that we both are not just friends and yet you still do all that ? DAMN that really and truly set me off. First you rush with me a seat, then you asked him out behind my back. Do you think I won't find out ? C'mon ! We tell each other stuff ! No secrets between us !
The most amazing thing about you is you are so damn bloody thick skinned to the max and I think if I have 10 bullets in my hand and I fire all those 10 shots at you, it still won't penetrate through your skin. Not exaggerating but yeah that's what you are. I can still forgive you if you do not know but you already knew and you have see it with your own bloody eyes that I am somewhat special and yet you still chose to fight with me. WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY !
And you have the bloody cheek to hate me and loathe me !
TOTALLY OUTTA YOUR MIND ! Hello ! I am the one that is supposed to be mad and hatin' on you and now it's vice versa. Thinking about it just made me wanna roll on the floor and laugh my ass off. And besides you can bring yourself to tell my friend that you and him are rumored to be in a relationship ? Oh yeah if it is true that you two are really in love why am I the one that receives his special attention ? Please make up better stories would ya ? And you gave me that look each time I walk pass by you. Excuse me do I look like I am suffering from shingles ? I should gave you that look but gahh to bad I was brought up with manners (:
I know you like him. I am a girl so I know the way you look at him is different. But if you love him, you should see him happy right ? Do you know each time we fought he'll be very sad because you're his friend and whenever we fought about you it will turn into a cold war. Ask yourself, would you rather see him happy and cheerful like always or him depressed as fuck ? Your choice.
Moreover, I seriously which to destroy you and I am not gonna forgive you for everything that happened. You are a bitch and nothing can change that. I doubt you'll ever find true love because you never appreciate one when you have.
And oh BTW, he came and find me today and said hi and we are back to normal. I've decided I won't give up on us and him no matter what you do. A promise is a promise so please try to turn over a new leaf before it is too late. You have a nice name but too bad your personality makes me wanna puke my digested food.
ps : Lots of love and hatred from me.
Labels: Eff-ed
6:53 PM
JUST A DREAM
Saturday, September 17, 2011
You had planned it all real well. For someone like you, all I can say is not bad. You made me fell for you, make me fell real hard and now when I fall I could feel my bones breaking but I do not have the slightest strength to even wake up and fix everything again. I just wanna lie down there and remain broken and decay. For my dreams is way much better than my reality.
I don't know how and what and why it happened. All I know is everything is happening too fast. When we first met each other and started talking, I never had even the slightest thought that I will fall for you or be deeply in love with you. First, I do not have the strength, time & energy to go through all this all over again and second, I wasn't ready. But guess what, you were so good to me, you make me realised that I had a chance and you swept me off my feet and you left me longing for you before I sleep every night.
We had one of the best moments in our lifes. We talked endlessly, smile, flirt, go out and do all those things that I could only dreamed of and that time, I felt as if my life was complete and I thank God for you are the best thing that happen to me but fuck I was so fucking wrong.
You make me fall then you let me go. You are a coward for letting me go when you like me ! You told me to forget everything and we're still friends but how the hell can I look at you without remembering what we had ?
Guess all those things we did during those days were complete lies and all those words that you said is pure rubbish.
I am so disappointed in you that I don't even wish to argue with you. I can't believe you let me go just like this.
ps : You're a heartbreaker.
Labels: emon-ess
10:55 PM
THE TWIST