WHEN WORDS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Call me a name, kill me with words, forget about me because that is what I deserve.
As I gaze at the picture of us that was hanging on the wall, I realised how much things had change for us. What brings me happiness now only brings me sadness. As I placed one hand to wipe the dust off the picture, I smiled looking that somehow somewhere somewhat I know that I will always and forever be loving you.
I am one person who is and never was a good person in expressing feelings especially to the people that I love and treasure so much in my whole life. Those three words always have a difficult time coming out from my mouth, and I wonder why. We humans, what are we good at ? Hiding and masking our emotions from others. Lying that we're fine when we're not. I for an example love you but act I am not. I wish I could hug you and pour at my hearts out now and say how much I love you and how I wish to stay with you forever.
Each time you didn't call, I worry. I held the phone in my hand the whole time waiting for you but my fingers just won't dial your number. Each time you called, a part of me burst into a pool of tears while a part of me is wishing I could teleport all the way to you and give you a big tight hug telling you that I am fine and you don't have to worry about me. But each time you called, I was cold on the other end while you there was concern about me and wanting to know how my day went. Days when I am in a good mood, I'll talk but days when I'm in a bad mood, I will just tell you to leave me alone. I hate myself for being like this, for treating you like this and I know you deserve more than all this.
I always want you by my side. But I can't be so selfish wanting you beside me all the time and forever. You have your life to go on and as much I want to always hold you, I know I can't.
Tears trickled down my cheeks as I think back on what a son of a bitch I am for the past few years. You mean so much to me, more than I can ever say. People say tell the person you love them before it's too late. I know I don't say it and you know I won't say it. Please, I beg you never to doubt my love for you. We don't need all those lovey dovey words to show our love for each other right ? Cause I know somehow deep down somewhere in between you know I love you.
Now, I'm counting down to the days where I can see you again. Distance kills. Waiting is terrible. But I could go through all this with those words from you. I owe all of you all too much. If I could not repay it all back in this life, I swear I will pay it all back if there is an another life for us.
I love you mum.
I love you boy.
I love you yee.
I love you yong.
I love you all ahku, beh yee, sah yee.
I love all of you, my precious and beautiful family.
God please take care of them for me while I couldn't as my hands is not long enough to reach them but I hope my prayers do.
Labels: Emo, empty, heartbreak, worthless
11:58 PM